I was on the way to my office and started feeling very restless. I was in the office bus, but my mind was still at home, thinking about what has been happening in my personal life. Unable to tolerate the negative thoughts, I texted my wife, saying I am returning home. Got her response to travel and reach back safely.
My wife Smruti and I got married three years back. Ours has not been a smooth journey so far. Smruti was an extrovert, so she was very good at expressing her opinions as it is and getting things done. Her assertive behaviour is what attracted me towards her. On the contrary, I take time to open up and share my feelings. Blame it on my upbringing as I always prioritized other's feelings and needs over mine.
I hardly recollect any misbehaviour from my end that might have caused Smruti any emotional trauma, but many instances where Smruti had threatened to walk out of marriage were coming infront of me.
By the time I reached back home, I had thought I had lost my peace of mind. Is my marital conflict a reason? Is there any job insecurity that is giving me sleepless nights? Or is there any underlying health issue that is not yet addressed? A lot of questions and no clarity with answers.
I switched on the television and kept on changing channels. I stopped at actor Dhanush's Tamil movie '3' because it had my favorite song 'Why this Kolaveri di?' Watching the film for the first time, I thought it was a romantic movie, but actually, it had psychological elements too. My God, Dhanush's character, was suffering from severe bipolar disorder in the film, and his wife gets to know only after he dies. It left me shocked for a while.
I usually don't like to share my problems with anyone, including my wife. But the film gave me an essential message that 'Misters, please talk about your mental health.' I realized that talking about any form of mental health issues and sharing the same with your loved ones is a vital coping mechanism. My friend, you are not alone, and many others experience such problems, Sharing your feelings can help you get advice and tips, break the mental health stigma and increase awareness. If you think you are not getting a good response despite expressing your feelings, then journal your thoughts each night before you go to sleep. Do a creative activity as a way to express your inner feelings and desires. Don't isolate yourself. Be around people, meet friends and relatives, and appreciate their presence in your life. Your loved ones may fail to understand the 'why' of your health condition, but it's okay. Not everyone is perfect, and not everyone's journey has to be the same. Refocus your thoughts using a meditation app and find a bigger purpose of life that keeps you alive.
About me? Well, I am learning to overcome my phobia of self-expression, and my journey of creating a happy mind and life has already begun.